Friday, June 1, 2018

Clearly, I'm stressed....

I've just spent the last 15 minutes googling why my neck hurts when I bend over in the hopes that I can rule out lymphoma or mets. I can't, but my research also seems to suggest it is probably something else (but might, maybe, possibly be's on all the damn lists...sigh). I should really book a trip to the doctor. I need a refill on Tamoxifen anyway, so this works.

But really, this behaviour is more a sign of my overall state of anxiety/mental health than anything else. I've noticed this - when I'm stressed at work or in life, my fears about cancer recurrence seem to get a lot stronger and have more staying power. I hadn't been having the "what if it's cancer" thoughts all that often anymore about every little ache or pain, but lately they've been bubbling up.

Work is very busy, and stressful, and I feel a lot of pressure to do a good job and not let everyone down. I love being in a job where I feel like I really know what is going on and that I'm making a difference, but the down side is, since I'm the one who knows the stuff and will be responsible for delivering on it, my anxiety is way up. I can't even imagine what I'd be like without my good friend: off-brand effexor.  So thank god for those little pills. #effexorforever? #maybe

I doubt that I will ever be totally over this disease. Physically I hope I am already over it, but mentally I think it's changed my DNA. It sucks, but I'll take it. I have no preference for the alternative. So anyway, I stopped by the blog to write, rather than try to figure out a different way to google "why does my neck hurt when I bend over?" And now, I'm going to try and just walk away from the internet and go bug Paul. He loves it when I do that!