Chemo Eve

Twas the night before chemo and all through the house....yep, tomorrow is the big day. In fact, tomorrow is probably the first day I will actually start feeling sick. Although surgery wasn't fun, I didn't feel sick really, just sore. I think tomorrow will be the day that "shit gets real".

Recently I've been having what I like to call a cancer vacation. I was able to go to Cat's wedding, I got a new dog, my boob is healing up and I've been able to go the gym a few times. Mostly life has gone back to normal. I'm not even obsessing about myself all that much these days. For now, cancer is really easy to ignore. It has been nice forgetting all about Ethel. I can look in the mirror and see the same person I've seen all along.

Tomorrow is the day I start to change. I'll probably feel crappy (but hopefully not too crappy) and I'll probably look crappy too. Before long I won't be able to hide the fact that I am sick. I think about that a lot. Right now the only people who know I have/had cancer are the ones I choose to tell. Someday, in the not too distant future, people will be able to look at me and know that something is wrong. They'll probably even be able to guess cancer. It isn't like I don't want people to know (I can hardly keep myself from telling people actually), but I like that people can forget I'm sick because I don't look sick. Technically, I'm not really even sick, Ethel is gone. All the crap ahead of me is meant to make sure she stays gone. Think of it as a very, very invasive home defence system. But either way, technicality or not, I'm about to look and feel like someone who has a serious illness.

The real blessing this past week has been getting a dog. He was living in terrible conditions in a shelter, he's way too skinny and he needs a lot of love. Having something else in the house, someone in worse condition than me, has been so helpful. It is hard to feel sad for yourself when you have a furry friend who isn't pouting at all even though he's had a rough life. I've been so busy trying to get him settled I haven't had time to worry about chemo tomorrow. And hopefully I don't have anything to worry about anyway.

L