I'm extremely glad to say that I am done radiation and no longer in active treatment!!!! I had my last treatment on Tuesday and yesterday the Ambassador and his assistant hosted a party for me to celebrate.
I know it is a weird thing to say, but in addition to being very glad, I also have a bittersweet feeling. It wasn't that I enjoyed radiation but while doing it I felt like I was being active in dealing with cancer. Now, I've moved into the "wait and see" part of the cancer journey. Hopefully this part is a lot of waiting and no seeing, but either way I have to start getting used to this new worldview. I'm on the other side of cancer now. I know what it is like to be told that you have cancer, I know how terrifying it is to sit across from a doctor and hear those words. I know how shitty it is to deal with treatment; the slash, poison, burn approach that is currently the norm. Worst of all, I know what it feels like to really think about your own death - not in the abstract way that I think we all do, but to really contemplate the reality of your own mortality and the fact that the end may come much sooner than you had ever anticipated.
Don't worry, I won't leave you on that note. There is a bright side. For me, this is the bright side: cancer is life changing but for me it did not become a catalyst for wanting to make change in my life. Why is that a good thing, you ask? Because it means I'm actually really happy in my life. There isn't much I would change. I have a husband and family I love and LIKE. I have great friends. I have a comfortable life filled with love. Sure, day to day I'm trying to live more fully (or I will be now that I feel better) but in the big picture sort of way, this wasn't a wake up call except to highlight to me how much I value my life and everyone in it.
Although I don't want to die tomorrow, if I did, I would leave behind very few regrets, save for the regret of the years I would miss with those I love. I can't think of a better way to live my life, or a better regret to have.
I know it is a weird thing to say, but in addition to being very glad, I also have a bittersweet feeling. It wasn't that I enjoyed radiation but while doing it I felt like I was being active in dealing with cancer. Now, I've moved into the "wait and see" part of the cancer journey. Hopefully this part is a lot of waiting and no seeing, but either way I have to start getting used to this new worldview. I'm on the other side of cancer now. I know what it is like to be told that you have cancer, I know how terrifying it is to sit across from a doctor and hear those words. I know how shitty it is to deal with treatment; the slash, poison, burn approach that is currently the norm. Worst of all, I know what it feels like to really think about your own death - not in the abstract way that I think we all do, but to really contemplate the reality of your own mortality and the fact that the end may come much sooner than you had ever anticipated.
Don't worry, I won't leave you on that note. There is a bright side. For me, this is the bright side: cancer is life changing but for me it did not become a catalyst for wanting to make change in my life. Why is that a good thing, you ask? Because it means I'm actually really happy in my life. There isn't much I would change. I have a husband and family I love and LIKE. I have great friends. I have a comfortable life filled with love. Sure, day to day I'm trying to live more fully (or I will be now that I feel better) but in the big picture sort of way, this wasn't a wake up call except to highlight to me how much I value my life and everyone in it.
Although I don't want to die tomorrow, if I did, I would leave behind very few regrets, save for the regret of the years I would miss with those I love. I can't think of a better way to live my life, or a better regret to have.
Congratulations on making it through and choosing to learn and grow and share in the process! I'm excited for you to have some time that is uninterrupted by illness or treatment. It sounds cheesy, but I'll say it: I'm really proud of you and I love you tons and tons. Sending you big cyber-hugs!
ReplyDeleteexactly what Jane said--we are all so glad the treatment is over--looking forward to seeing you in 2 months
ReplyDelete